The 2 a.m. Friend

[Ed. Note: After hazily publishing this late into the evening, I woke up the next day shameful of my teenybopper-esque dalliances, and I deleted my post the next morning. After some more than compassionate encouragement from a friend, I've reconsidered and decided to repost in efforts to keep this blog more personable and meaningful. Thank you, to the few who read; and many thanks to those that care.]

~~~

After a fun night of shopping, dinner and cocktails with a friend, I walked home in the silent solitude of the rain. I normally relish this quiet alone time, and find the rain unequivocally forgiving and cleansing. But today, I had a lot on my mind, and my thoughts were heavy with grief.

I thought of the past few years and all the things that have come with them. The life of an aunt, lost to cancer, whom I never expected to leave our family. She was hard-headed and a progressive thinker, and an unquestionably caring mother and adoptive mother; someone who I sometimes likened my own life and self to. I regret so much naively saying to her, "you will be fine. You're too stubborn to lose to this thing," only to lose her the following day. I'm so sorry and regret I'll never be able to share that with her. Losing my aunt, when she had so much life left to live, and the final words I shared with her make me hate my own naive, optimist thinking.

In my short 25 years on this earth, I regret that I've already made so many enemies. Regardless of why we've parted ways, and even regardless of my stubborn nonrecognition of my own wrong-doings, I regret that I've lost the people I've shared integral life moments with, and while I don't see or hope for a reconciliation in any near future, I honestly and wholeheartedly wish these people joy and happiness in their future endeavors.

Much of my recent grief is in the lack of self-discipline I have, constantly putting myself in perilous relationships detrimental to my emotional well-being. I've become exhausted in fighting to even be considered a contender for a partner's "top 5" list, and now believe that I can't expect to find joy from just one other person. Relationships have never been, and will most likely never be my forte.  

While I'm immensely grateful for dear friends and family who have helped me to barely grasp onto my own barely-there sanity, and to discover my own self-worth, I regret my inadequacy of being the 2 a.m. friend. The friend you can trust that when you call at 2 a.m., that will be both alert for the conversation and with an understanding ear. I realize my inadequacy in this role, as I came home late today with a heavy heart, and no one to share it with. In the coming years, and hopefully the decades to follow, I resolute to be the friend worthy of the 2 a.m. call, a simple commitment to becoming a better friend to those who have already given so much to me.

That is all.

What if...

I daydream a lot. But not of what could be, or of fantastical adventure. (I usually reserve this for dreams--I keep having the same dream where I'm in a murder mystery scenario, but that's for another day.)
I dream, of parallel worlds.

via

I'm sure this isn't unique, and that many others do the same. In my daydreams I think that every time I had faced a major life decision, my Minna's diverged. One continues life living one path, and the one continues living the other. I start by thinking of one particular life-changing moment (e.g., choosing to stay in Chicago rather than moving to Boston, breaking up with an ex or even something minimal like choosing to skip my nasty morning protein shake), then my mind starts to whir. More often than not, I'm thankful and glad for the decisions I had eventually made, but I like to think of the "other" Minna. Is she happy in her decisions? What happened to her?

Maybe I just need to accept my decisions and my fate as it is, or possibly I need to make peace with my choices? Or I just need to realize; it is what it is.

via

One thing is certain... I need to stop watching so much Doctor Who.

A Girl's Perilious Life

After lecturing +1 about how difficult it is to be a girl in today's today, I can't even begin to explain how much I can relate to this. GIRLS, slated for April 2012, is another welcome addition by Judd Apatow (because, cmon, who didn't love Bridesmaids?!) about a 20-something year old writer (sound familiar?). I know I'm excited to watch!

Countdown to the Holidays!

via Minna An, Glut with Guts

Things are starting to get festive around here! As a perpetual apartment dweller, I've never been much for decorating, other than a bunch of flowers every rare once in a while. Living with Sharx, she loves decorating, and we got together with friends for a holiday baking party. I must say, these ladies are pretty talented.

via Minna An, Glut with Guts

I'm addicted to clementines in the winter, they're like candy to me! Anyways, thanks PINTEREST, for the awesome instructions on making these clementine candles! You just peel the skin evenly, pour in a smidgen of olive oil, and it burns like a candle!

I've never been much for baking (I much prefer cooking), but it was so fun and festive to make these beautiful (and not so beautiful) treats!

A Rice Crispy Treat Snowman! via Glut with Guts

Creme Brulee via Glut with Guts

via Glut with Guts

The "winner" cupcakes, via Glut with Guts

via Glut with Guts

via Glut with Guts

The "reject" cupcakes, via Glut with Guts

How are you getting ready for the holidays? Any festive plans in mind?

Holiday Season w/Dose

Recently, Monica and I have visited many many many shopping events, but the best so far this holiday season has been the HoliDose Market! Held monthly at the River East Arts Center, this is one of the largest indoor markets, with food and products one would ACTUALLY want (no offense, but granny knit scarves and ornate ornaments are not my thing). Below are some photos from the December holiday themed market. Read more about it at the Chicagoist.

via Minna An--Chicagoist, aka Me

via Minna An--Chicagoist

via Minna An

via Minna An

via Minna An

via Minna An

I'm so excited for my indulgent purchases! I bought Bourbon glazed churro flavored marshmallows (to torch with my new creme brulee torch!), bourbon aged maple syrup (starting to notice a love for bourbon here..), ROSE PINK CAVIAR, toasted macroons and a new Zagat wine opener, the one I'll plan on carrying in all my purses, you just never know!

I'm a hater

... always and forever.

via Monica S.

The Love of a Father

Typimg errors that ensue are due to hte fact I'm still tearing after watching this: